A sporting event is the last bastion in America for wearing whatever you want. Aside from Halloween, going to a game is the only place you can wear zebra-striped Zubaz and a flair-hair visor without getting ridiculed. If you’ve ever watched a football game, you know that pretty much anything is fair game. People go to games in elaborate costumes to cheer on their squad, then look like an idiot when their team loses in embarrassing fashion. Let’s retire some of this madness, though, together. Let’s all agree that we need some limits on game-day attire. We submit our guide on what not to wear at a sporting event to get the conversation started.
The Opposing Team’s Jersey
We agree that this is America, and you should be able to wear a baseball jersey at a baseball game. You take your life into your own hands if you do that in some places. You’ll be okay to wear a Cubs jersey in Milwaukee, but don’t try that in San Francisco or LA. Fans there take things seriously, and you could wind up having a bad time.
A Full Uniform
Under no circumstance do you need to wear a full uniform to a game, any game. Don’t get dressed up for the game “just in case.” There’s no chance that the coach is going to start scanning the crowd, looking for someone to fill in. All you are accomplishing is annoying everyone by bumping them with your huge shoulder pads.
A Jersey for the Wrong Sport
On the list of what not to wear at sporting events, this is low on the list, but it’s still there. Irony doesn’t belong at the game, so leave it at home. If you don’t have a basketball jersey, a football jersey isn’t an acceptable substitute. Get back in your closet and find something else or order the proper jersey.
Leave the Suit at Home
Nothing says pretentious and stuffy like wearing a suit to the game. No one cares what you have, so don’t try to flaunt it. People will look at you—not out of envy, but in ridicule, as a man out of his element. Only the team owner and general manager is allowed to wear a suit, and that’s only in the luxury box.
Your Birthday Suit
Yeah, you read that right: don’t wear your birthday suit to the game. Fortunately, streaking is popular at English soccer games and not at all in America. No one wants to see your flabbiness sprint across the 50-yard line only to get tackled by security or destroyed by an angry linebacker. Actually, that might be funny.
Get your star-spangled patriotic golf shirts at GreaterHalf.com. Red, white, and blue, all day long, son.