America is on the verge of the most wonderful time of the year—the holiday party season. We look forward to wonderful, festive, drunken parties filled with cheer, warm spiced wine, eggnog, and goodwill toward all ugly Christmas sweaters. To help you prepare for your upcoming events, we share some tips on how to win an ugly Christmas sweater contest.
Bribes are Acceptable
Don’t ever hesitate to reach in your pocket and extend a hearty Chicago handshake to the content judges. They may be hard to spot, as just about anyone and everyone at the party could take on the roll. So, don’t take any chances and start handing out $20 bills to everyone you meet. If you want to be a champion, prepare to pay the price—literally.
Go Over the Top
When you pick out your ugly sweater, go big. A quality, ugly Christmas sweater will assault the eyes with brash colors and hopefully some twinkling lights. To really put the focus on you and your horrible taste in sweaters, go with bold colors and obnoxious patterns as well. Obviously, the uglier the sweater the better.
Don’t Oversell it
Let your ugly sweater be the center of attention. You made the choice and got something garish and loud, so let it do the talking for you. In fact, when party guests approach and engage in a conversation about your horrendous sweater, downplay it. Mention how easy it was to find an amazing ugly sweater because of your solid eye for fashion.
O.G. Ugly all the Way
When in doubt, go with an Obviously Gross and Ugly sweater. Take a cue from Dale Doback and grab one of your mom’s old Christmas sweaters. Pull the shoulder pads out, and be on your merry way, or don’t, as it might be uglier with them in. A Christmas sweater that doesn’t have the intent to be ugly, but is ugly none the less, will win every time.
No one could have guessed that the first ugly Christmas sweater, created in 1962 by Frankie Sweater, would become the greatest piece of American clothing. It’s perhaps the greatest gift the world has yet to receive. The Internet? Nah. Facebook? No way. Bald Eagles? Not even them. The ugly sweater is the G.O.A.T., and America owns it.
Remember, ugly Christmas sweater competitions are serious business. There are no friends or rules in the ugly Christmas sweater world—take no prisoners and win at all costs. For the best, most patriotic collection of ugly Christmas sweaters, check out Greater Half.