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A Guide to Faking Your Way Through A Round of Golf

By Chris Benson January 10, 2020

A Guide to Faking Your Way Through A Round of Golf

For some reason, golf is one of those games that the average duffer feels like a pro for no reason at all. Weekend warriors tee up every season and think that they should play like Tiger Woods. In no other arenas is this true. A 5’6” accountant doesn’t think he could post up Lebron, a 165-pound web developer doesn’t think he can block J.J. Watt, and a 40-year-old truck driver doesn’t think he can knock out Connor McGregor. So why does the average schmuck with a country club membership think they should be a scratch golfer? It boggles the mind. Golf is a challenging game even if most people don’t think so. Yeah, the ball is just sitting there waiting for you to hit it, but the majority of people can’t do it.

If you find yourself playing a round of golf and you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t worry. We have a guide to faking your way through a round of golf to help you out. Employing a few of these tactics will help you survive the round and win the day. No one else on the course really knows what they are doing either, but you can look like the club champion and fool them all.

Look like a Pro

First things first—the most important trick to faking your way through a round of golf is to look like you know what you’re doing. That is really the secret to life; fake it till you make it. You may not know anything about anything, but the rest of the world doesn’t need to know that. Dress well and keep quiet and everyone will naturally assume you have all the answers. The quieter you are, the more they want to know. Decide on a clothing strategy for the day; it should be somewhere between business casual and middle-aged dad. That means either khakis or shorts with a belt, a hat, and a shirt with a collar. Build the theme around either your favorite sports team, America, or mix and match. For example, pair a patriotic men’s polo shirt with shorts that have your team’s colors on them. The final detail you mustn’t forget is the ankle socks, as they are key. Without those, everyone on the first tee box will know you’re a poser.

Massage the Truth

The secret to faking your way to a stellar round of golf is lying. No matter what happens on those 18 holes you lie and make it sound like that’s exactly what you wanted to happen. If you are out with the boys and they know you are a horrible golfer, lie about your game. If you hit a ball into the woods, explain that there is a shortcut through there that will save two strokes. If you put one in the bunker, abandon it, and drop a new one on the fairway and claim that was your shot. When playing with business associates or strangers for the first time, tell them how great you are. As the round inevitably goes south, remark how you don’t know what’s wrong today and you usually play much better. Blame a late night out with the guys and keep shaking your head after every bad shot.

Know your Quotes and Clichés

When it comes to golf quotes, there are only two acceptable movies—Happy Gilmore and Caddyshack. Take three days to binge-watch both movies continuously and learn the key quotes. No round of golf is official until everyone mutters five quotes from each movie on the course. Write them down or store them on your phone if you must, but not saying at least one will tip off the fellow golfers that you aren’t one of them. Also, there are a few clichés that will carry you through the round too. Practice these beforehand so they sound more natural:

  • (when putting) Never up, never in.
  • (hitting into the water) Ohhhh, right in the drink.
  • Hit the ball, Alice.
  • (hitting into a sand trap) Get a towel because you’re on the beach.
  • Drive for show, putt for dough.
  • A bad round of golf is still better than a good day at work.
  • (hitting a low shot) Holy cow, that was a worm burner.
  • That’s the shot that will bring you back.

    Tip the Beverage Cart Employee

    If this is your first round of golf ever, know that players condone and promote drinking on the course. There is a beverage cart that patrols the golf course all day with beer, cocktails, as well as soft and sports drinks on it. Typically, someone drives this cart to encourage you to buy something and make it seem more normal like you are at a bar. The cart has a lot of territory to cover and lots of thirsty golfers to serve, so tip them well. On the first round of drinks, give a generous tip, but not too generous so it doesn’t look like you’re showing off. Tell the driver to remember your group so that they come back around every other hole to check on you. On the second stop, be ready to buy something else in the event the course gets busy or someone needs to reload the cart. A bad round of golf only becomes worse by not having something to drink on a hot day. Bonus—at the end of the round you can say that you drank too much and that’s the reason you played so poorly.

    Buy Drinks at the 19th hole

    When the round is complete, you only have one ball left in your bag, and your wedge is laying in two pieces by the 16th green, it’s time to hit the bar. The clubhouse on the course is the place where you shine. Start buying rounds to make everyone forget how lousy your golf game is. Buying drinks will erase their memories of wicked slices, short putts, and bad language on the course. The danger in this having them invite you back next weekend. If you planned to only survive one round and never play again, then do your duty—buy one round then split. But, if you have become enamored with the golf scene and want to do it again, be the fun guy that everyone loves in the clubhouse. Over time, once you know how to play and can start beating people, you can start taking their money by betting on holes.

    A Guide to Faking Your Way Through A Round of Golf


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